The Writer in Me

Say it out-loud, I 'm a writer and I'm proud!!!!!!!!!!

I am a writer

she belongs to me

and I belong to her.

It's a love affair of words

penned on paper

ripping and flowing from my heart.

I am a writer, a poet

beckoning to come into the world

to share

hope, healing, pondering

dreaming, daring, believing

I am a writer, a poet, a penned prophetess

intoxicated with the voices of my soul

demanding its place of expression in the universe

of creativity

I am a writer, a poet, a penned prophetess, an undercover speaker

with messages for you,

for me

for them

for us

I am she

A writer choosing today to be free

I am a writer, I am she

"Joy" great pleasure, rejoice & delight

My Joy, where are you? I miss you so much. Are you hiding from me behind worrying and reasoning? Joy aren’t you an action that requires choice and then movement? Do I choose you or do you choose me? I need you and I know that you want to come to me. However, the bridge to get over to you seems shattered with some cracks of uncertainties or irrational fears that keep me on the other side. Joy, I see you in the distance, but I can’t quite touch you, feel you and nurture you.

Joy, some days, I take a step towards you on the bridge but as I get closer to you, the trials and challenges of this life grips me by my ankle like a rope tied to a tree. It feels like a tug of war between you and despair in my mind. Joy sometimes it feels like there is a gatekeeper disguised like the character in the childhood storybook, Billy Goat Gruff who is holding a large invisible sign that says “No trespassing.” I know that “it” has no right to be there, but its sharp horns of intimidation prances back and forth across the bridge of my mind with me heavy loads of other people’s burdens that renders me too weak to cross over. Heck, Joy, I want to just stand on the bridge, even if it’s cracked for a quick laughter or a lingering smile. Just to be in the vicinity of you Joy would be rewarding to my soul to strengthen my body through your illuminating presence.

I have concluded that there must be some great benefit of experiencing you Joy because the mental boxing match to get to you is a daily fight that I seem to keep losing. Can you see me over here in the distance? Joy I need you and desire you.
So today I choose to stump on the hooves of the invisible Billy Goat Gruff’s thoughts that parade around in my mind because I discovered that they have no right to be there unless I let them come in to bully me.

I received a message that I have a Horn Wrangler named Jesus Christ that gave me a life line in the book of Isaiah, chapter 55, verse 12 that tells me “For you (that means me) shall go out with Joy, And be led out with peace. The mountains and the hills shall break forth into singing before you and the trees of the field shall clap their hands.” This Wrangler has given me permission to go out with you Joy and will also give me some peace because He has the authority to make the hills sing and trees to clap for Him. He has informed me that I have the right to cross the bridge of despair, intimidation, fear and false burdens to be with you Joy. I’m coming over today to play with you Joy because I know that I will find great pleasure as I delight in rejoicing with you. You are my very own Joy.

Excuse me Mr. Cancer

Excuse me Mr. Cancer! Who invited you into this world? You forced your way into people’s lives to invade their bodies and torment their minds and souls with fear. Sometimes you sneak in undetected and hide yourself for extended periods of time. Other times, you Bogart your way in quickly and steal the breath out of people. Your track record indicates that you bring great discomfort and fierce pain to our relatives; your victims. Then you send them on medication regiments that radically transform their quality of life which often restricts some of our loved ones to bed rest with chemotherapy going in their veins. Excessive weight loss and fatigue are some sure signs of defeat to our family members.

Excuse me Mr. Cancer, you came into this world only to steal, kill and destroy what is precious to us. Get out of here! You must go! Without an invitation, you took the life of so many loved ones way too soon, but excuse me Mr. Cancer. Even though you are bold and strong and sometimes, unstoppable, you must know that you can’t take the love and the memories of our family members that had to succumb to your demands. Yes, you took their lives from earth, but you didn’t stop them from rejoicing with their heavenly Father and His angels in Heaven. Now their souls are in complete peace as well as ours.

Excuse me Mr. Cancer, you did not remove our loved ones legacy that is transcending through the generations of their children and grandchildren that are growing and changing the world. Excuse me Mr. Cancer; the name and the blue print of our family members are still alive in us and through in our family history. We have embraced their gifts, their talents, their wisdom, their compassion and their discernment to complete the work that they started. Mr. Cancer, where you ended their lives, our lives have just begun. Excuse me Mr. Cancer, you tried to take our family history, our generational tree, but deep roots of perseverance, hard work, respect and honor have been embedded in us. The stories of their lives are being told and lives are being lived. Generations are being restored. Families are reconnecting and relatives are forgiving one another. The voices of our heavenly family members are speaking to our souls to live our lives with value and purpose. Dreams are coming true.

So, excuse me Mr. Cancer, even though you met our family members on their journey of life, you can never take them from our hearts and our minds. They live through us. We will continue to honor our family members by living meaningful lives. So excuse me, Mr. Cancer. Take your final seat because my thoughts towards you are now complete.

Signed by

"Tired of the “C” word invading lives"

Desi

I Almost Missed it!

Have you ever asked God for something in your heart and he answered you so quickly that you almost missed it? One day as a new social worker, I was feeling overwhelmed by seeing so many clients that were recovering from drug addiction, domestic violence and childhood abuse that I was just emotionally exhausted and feeling slightly hopeless. I pulled in the Albertsons’ grocery store parking lot to gather my thoughts. In my heart, I spoke to the Lord and I said "Lord, I just need a hug." I was expecting that He would send my husband to meet me for lunch and give me a big old bear hug. Well needless to say, my thoughts are not like the Lord’s because he indeed answered that prayer in a way I did not expect.

As I sat and rested in my car for 10 minutes, I received a telephone call from my co-worker who asked me if I could complete two home visits for her. Even though I was tired and did not want to go, I agreed. When I arrived at the first home, I walked in the living room and introduced myself to the mother, then all of a sudden, a 13 year old developmentally disabled boy came bolting through the door and immediately grabbed me around my waist. He almost knocked me down. I was a little taken back, but I smiled and hugged him back. His mother peeled him off of me and I preceded with my social work duties. But a thought lingered in my mind. "Was that a hug from you Lord?"

I arrived at the second home to do my visit and I sat on the edge of a bed where a 16 month old child was sleeping. As I was talking to the mother and grandmother, the baby boy woke up, crawled to the edge of the bed and climbed into my arms. He laid his body in my lap and positioned his head in the creases of my elbow. He gazed into my eyes and had the biggest smile that seemed like it was painted on his face. I tried to glance away, but there was something in his smile and a gleam in his eyes that kept my attention. The mother immediately apologized and tried to take him from me, but he was nestled secure in my arms and would not move. In fact, he did not even acknowledge her presence. He just stared and smiled at me. The mother said that this was odd because her son does not go to anyone except to her and his grandmother. At that point, I felt a warm tingle in my heart and I knew that it was the Lord sending me a hug from heaven. I ALMOST MISSED IT! I sat there gazing back into this child's eyes and fighting back tears because the Lord was speaking to my heart letting me know that he loved me and heard the desire in my heart. I said “thank you Lord.” The Heavenly Father gave me exactly what I needed at that moment to warm my heart and to give me hope. I cried with joy when I got in my car.

Sometimes I have my own idea of who God is and how He will answer my prayers, but I must remember that He knitted my heart together and knows exactly how to communicate with me. He often speaks to me through children, but I will not be so naive to place the Lord in a box and limit Him to speaking to me only in that way because if I do, surely I will miss Him again. I am encouraged to let Him speak to me however He desires. I just have to remember that He is always watching and listening to me and I must do the same or I will miss Him.

Salvation Army Dad

Once upon a time there was a sad little girl. She was yearning for the love of her father. For many years, she waited for him to tuck her into bed at night. She wanted him to teach her how to ride her first bicycle. She even looked for him in her teenage years when she received the first of many pimples thinking that no one liked her. She needed her father to wipe the tears after her first broken heart. Her father couldn't be found to proudly watch his daughter graduate from high school or college. He even missed one of the most important days of her life; her wedding day. Her father chose not to be a part of this little girl's life. Over the years, this little girl grew up and became an angry and resentful young lady who felt rejected by her father and in return, she neglected him when her she became an adult. That little girl was me!

I am one of many people in this world who was determined to abandon my father for failing to provide me with the emotional and physical security I needed as a child. I was so angry at him missing out on so many pivitol developmental milestones in my life, that I neglected him when he needed me to take care of him. He passed away in May 2006 and since then, I forgiven myself and him for the abandonment isssues. However, on his birthday this year, January 9th, I met someone else's dad at the Salvation Army soup kitchen. This man was in his 70's and I could tell that he had a hard life. Heck, he was living in a homeless shelter! He talked about having adult children in another state and how he didn't want to shake the peace in his children's lives, so he keeps minimal contact with them. He mumbled the word "forgiveness" and I could tell that he felt unworthy of receiving his children's love although he desired it because he consistently shared that he was lonely. I couldn't help but wonder if his successful, professional children knew that their dad was in a homeless shelter whether they would forgive him and let him reconcile his relationships with them before he died a lonely old man. I'm not saying he wanted to recreate a lost childhood, but to simply forgive his past mistakes for failing them as an "adequate parent."

God requires us as believers to forgive and honor our parents for their position in our lives. I can guaranteed that no matter how good or bad a father's role was in your life, when he is gone, there will be a hole in your heart. It is a piece of your identity that is gone. At least that's how it was for me. I trulyl believe that no one can take the place of a parent in your life. So for this salvation army dad, I pray that God will give him an opportunity to reconcile with his children so the generational curse of unforgiveness and abandonment can be broken. If your dad is still alive, forgive him and honor him in his old age. God will be pleased and so will you.

A Quest For True Identity

Hello World, it's me, Desi. Whew! I finally said it out-loud. I think saying that was for me more than for the world. Today I am given myself permission to travel on my very own journey of self-dsocovery. You see, I have been many things to many people but the question today is WHO AM I REALLY?


I am a wife to my 7th grade friend, Rod, who is my rock, my soul mate and best friend. We have been married for 22 years, but who am I really?


I am a mother of two grown children. My precious Emani at age 23 and my handsome son, Kiare, age 20. I am their number one fan, but who am I really?


I am a step-mother to Ms. Kelea, my special daughter at age 28, but who am I really?


I am a grandmother to my Kaun who is truly a gift to my life, but who am I really?


I am a Christian searching for peace, prosperity, justice and righteousness in this world, but who am I really?


I am an African-American Citizen moving from oppression, depression and segregation to healing, freedom and restoration, but who am I really?


I am a woman and a teacher wrapped up in one giving wisdom and direction to the younger generation and others who will listen, but who am I really?


I am a social worker called to the field of child abuse and neglect for over 15 years, but who am I really?


I am a co-worker, to my peers, supervisor and administrative staff who deem me reliable and trustworthy, but who am I really.


I am a friend to many, but intimate with only a few. Enough said about that, but who am I really?


I am a writer secretly jotting down my thoughts, feelings, emotions and observations that I experience on a daily basis, but who am I really?


I am a dreamer with visions and goals and talents and abilities trying to unfold all that is locked up inside of me, but who am I really?


I am that canary that is locked in a cage that will die if Ican't sing the song of my life, but who am I really?


I am a mother, a wife, a christian and African-American Citizen.
I am a woman, a teacher, a social worker and a co-worker.
I am a friend, a writer, a dreamer and a canary. BUt...............


WHO AM I REALLY?

I am a collection of all of these roles. However, it is a new day and some of the roles have been in the screenplay of my life for too long. Now don't misunderstand me. Some of these roles are life-long and I embrace them, but there are a few that must no longer be the main characters in this new journey.

I invite you to walk with me on this new journey to discover my true identity and maybe in the process, you will discover yours too!